My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
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Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
i baked you a cake
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.