SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
You Might Also Like
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.