In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
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“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
*weighs self after shaving
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
My wife gives the best headache.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.