my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
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Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*