A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
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I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING