‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
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i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I wanna be friends with this person
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.