Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
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Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Don’t tell me what to do
Cha-ching is my safe word
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now