*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
You Might Also Like
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.