Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
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(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
My therapist after every session
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz