me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
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What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back