villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
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i guess his teacher was really pissed
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.