DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
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If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter