Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
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I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
he was correct
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.