Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
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*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.