I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
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[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]