Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
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Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
How can I say no to this ?
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken