FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
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Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”