Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
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No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
same energy
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.