MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
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[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR