When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
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Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
That’s it.I’m out.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Don’t tell me what to do
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*