Monday
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[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I need to update my racial profile.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth