If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
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Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!