My doctor says I only have one diabete.
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My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
What if the weather talks about us?
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?