What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
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When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.