*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
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I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Cats are still liquid.
Planet of the Apps.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL