I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
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if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb