Does this dress make me look cat?
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*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.