Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
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BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no