Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
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Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??