BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
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If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
*praying for world peace*
God:
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Pigeon open mic night.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…