I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
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Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
…u ok Nintendo?
Nose
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
That took me a moment.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.