If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
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The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
How do you milk an almond?
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”