People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
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Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
your honor my client chooses dare
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”