[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
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I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”