bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
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judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten