Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
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squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.