My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
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me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
finally
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.