Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
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*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
My teenage children choosing violence
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh