[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
You Might Also Like
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.