pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
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Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.