St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
You Might Also Like
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Watson was Holmes schooled
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.