How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
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me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
this is the best interaction on twitter
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.