It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
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Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.