*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
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I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Nice try, poison.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Yup.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I’ve had worse
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.