Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
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Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Incredible customer service.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.