Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
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I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok