Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
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*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.