Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
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My birth announcement for our third baby
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
having children is a pyramid scheme.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”