*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
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I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.