made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
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Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
i love meeting boys on tinder
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*